A Morning in the Life…

05:05:  I wake up.  I’m not sure what has changed to move me from sleep to wakefulness but I can feel it.  I need to check the time and learn if I have to get up (**groan**) or if I have an extra hour to sleep.  I fumble around in the bed looking for my iPod.  At first I find just the headphone cable and then I carefully begin tracing it through the maze of tossed pillows and messed up blankets, like a firefighter following his hose out of a smoke-filled building.  (Male coupling points to the fire, the female coupling will be on the fire side…why do I remember this?  Then I question my memory.  Wait, think about this logically – when you role a hose you start at the male end so it ends up in the middle of the role to protect the threads.  When you throw a hose to extend a line you hold the female end and toss – that puts the male end pointing towards the fire.  When you attach another hose the female coupling of the second hose will thus be closer to the fire.  Got it!)  Without realizing it I have brought my mind back to life.  Once I finally reach the iPod I shield it under the covers so the glare doesn’t wake up Shirley – ain’t I nice?  I click it on and read the time.  Damn.  My niceness goes out the window along with any plans of sleeping an extra hour – **shove, shove** – “Wake up, dear!”  Shirley moves enough for me to know she will eventually use whatever mind tricks she needs to join me in the land of the wakeful.  Thursday has begun!

05:20:  Emerging from the bedroom and into the kitchen, I hear the dog behind me.  I wonder what he has in his mouth.  It must be something, the dog is like a junkie needing a fix in the morning – he *has* to have a sock or something in his mouth.  Sock if I  am lucky, underwear if I am not.  I decide to not look back and instead continue to make my way to the coffee pot.  The dog detours off to his bed in the living room to chew on whatever it is he stole from the bedroom.  I hope I remember to retrieve it before we get company some day.

05:22:  Coffee poured.  Need food.  Too lazy to cook.  Toast it is.  I go looking for the toaster.  Three drawers later I locate it.  “It’s just that I am tired.”  That must be it – it simply can’t be that my mind still struggles to remember where the toaster migrated to eight months after the kitchen renovation.  No, simply can’t be.  I open the bread cupboard.  (Right one on the first try, too!)  Four bags of bread stare me down.  There’s the leftover hamburger buns, the leftover hot dog buns, the bag with the final remains of a loaf of Calgary Italian Bakery bread from Costco, and the fresh loaf of bread Shirley must have pulled up from the basement.  I start the the Calgary Italian Bakery bread.  I find one slice intact, the remainder of the bag is various bits and pieces.  Bird food.  I grab the one good slice and add the rest to the pile next to the sink of things to get taken out to the chicken coop.  I return to the cupboard and grab the hot dog buns.  Those will do – there are two of them so I add my original slice of bread to the chicken pile.  “Too dry anyway.” I justify to myself.

05:25:  Buns are shoved into the toaster and are slowly heating up.  It’s odd that if they were dry to begin with I’d toss them but if I intentionally dry them out we call it “breakfast”.  I find the peanut butter and open the jar.  Crap, it’s new.  I hate making the first dent in the perfectly smooth surface of a new jar of peanut butter.  Yeah, it’s weird, but whatever.  I get over the hump and plunge the knife in.  Hey, no one said life was easy…

05:28:  I begin wandering around looking for my iPhone and laptop.  I remember having the iPhone on the couch last night when I was watching the Penguins game.  I remember having my phone there because I was spouting off on Twitter about how bad the Penguins were playing.  Despite their loss I feel some satisfaction in that they proved me right by losing their sixth straight game.  With my deep insight such as that (a team that has lost five straight isn’t playing well) I wonder why Hockey Night in Canada never came calling for me.  Their loss, I guess.

05:35:  Laptop booted, toasted buns on a plate, iPhone located and plugged into the charger since it was down to 12%.  I can finally sit down and start banging out another boring “day in the life” blog post. 

06:02:  Realize it is time for work.  Better get ready to face the commute.  Shirley is coming into the city today.  Dog is staying home.  Those factors play heavily into my routine.  Better let the dog out and get his food so Shirley will think I’ve done something productive rather than sitting on my laptop all morning typing like crazy.  As a side note note, if your wife asks “What are you typing?” answering “Emails to my girlfriends” is *not* the correct answer, no matter how funny it is.)  Going to be a long commute, me thinks…

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